Usually when I write a blog, it's when I truly have something to say. I guess this is one of those times. It's been about three months since I've last posted anything, and I guess it's time. Normally I would make jokes about a lot of things going on in my life, or about things in pop culture that I know to be wrong. But I believe that today will be one of reflection, of looking back at a couple things here and there, kinda to just put myself out there in so many words.
Almost six years ago, I came to Florida to heal. My heart and spirit equally broken, I made the decision that in order to be able to begin picking up the pieces, was to come here. I'd like to say that I was welcomed into this area with open arms, but that did not come to pass. Being as completely broken as I was really came through in my everyday life. At home, at work...well, especially at work. Proverbially speaking, I was the cover that people blindly judge a book by. There were a lot of people there, that would take one look at me, and say to themselves "I really don't like that guy," and most of them, admit it or not, wouldn't even know why. It didn't help matters much that I was still angry, still heartbroken, and still bitter at the way my life had gone in the course of the previous six years. In some ways, I guess there is still some resentment there, like, why judge me without even knowing me? You know, that sort of thing. And you know, to this day, there will still be people out there who STILL won't be able to tell you why. At that point, for better or worse, the healing process began.
I jumped back into the dating game long before I was ready. The results disastrous in just about every turn. You know all that shit you hear about being in the Friend Zone? At the time, I was renting beachfront property there. Either I was too short, or too broke, or too old, you name it. Hell, once, I was even Friend Zoned for being white...BY A WHITE CHICK! Figure that one out, BROTHERS! I made the decision in November of 2010 to acquiesce to the fact that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone. The anger that I had held within me for so many years was already gone at that point. My insecurities about my shortcomings had faded, and I was more or less back to normal. I was content, I was at peace with myself for the first time in a long time, I was just done trying to find someone special. I knew I wasn't going to be in Florida forever, and I had actually been wanting to leave this state for quite some time.
Next thing you know, Heather comes along, sheds new light on what was left of my life, and pretty much lit a fire under my ass I gave up on almost a decade ago. That whole spending my life alone bit? Out the window. I came across someone who wanted the same things in her life that I did. I came across someone who didn't make me feel like it was wrong to want to have the dreams in my life that I've wanted. She became that one final piece of the puzzle, the one thing to complete my healing process. And I honestly do feel that as a result, my time in Florida is bound to come to an end within the next couple of years, at the most. There have amassed so many things in the almost-six years that I have been here, so many reasons, for me, for us, to not be in this state any longer. For me? A job in which morale is at such a pathetic level that it puts my time in the Navy to shame. I've amassed friends that, maybe they weren't really friends at all. That maybe I've been kept around for their entertainment. There are a very few select group of friends that I keep close in my circle, and I love them all for it, but for the most part I've become nothing more than an afterthought. I honestly feel forgotten, left behind, so maybe it is time that I, we, leave IT behind. There is no sense of stability here, nothing that says, "It's time to set some roots, finally." So finally, by this time next year, by the grace of God, Heather and I will be far away from the state of Florida, forging ahead with our lives together. I'll be a married man at that point, and I long for the years ahead.
